Monday, August 24, 2009

It Really Takes It Out Of You

Being good is really fucking exhausting. I don't mean physically exhausting because we don't get tired or sleepy. Thank god, because being an angel is tougher than any kind of office job you can imagine, good thing it's more rewarding too. You know, when I was alive I never really slept much, especially not towards the end after Shannon left. Whenever someone would get on my case about it, I'd say, "I'll sleep when I'm dead." Now I'm dead, and I don't have to sleep, I only do it for the dreams, that and the sense of intimacy. Like the lady said, it's a free ride when you've already paid.

Anyway, being an angel is not your job. I know I once said it was but I was wrong about a lot of things back then. It's who we are; not what defines us, but more like our purpose, or our entire state of being. You can't shut it off like when you come home from the office, no matter how late you worked that day. And it's mentally taxing. People's problems don't go away when the whistle blows, so neither can we. And sometimes we're called upon to go above and beyond, which for residents of Heaven is really saying something.

So why do we do it? For Marley, it's just her nature, for Suzanne, it's more redemption. I've never quite nailed down what drives me. I think it's just my status as a nice guy. On Earth you get mocked or abused for that, which is what led to my misanthropy in the first place. Up here, it's like, I finally get the chance to use to achieve something. I've never experienced that before. So is my being an angel motivated by a selfish need for fulfillment? I hope not. I got into this originally for spite, I like to think my motives are more noble now. Hopefully time will tell. After all, I'm new at this.

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